One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay or test paper. It is truly astonishing what havoc students can wreak on the chronicles of the human race. The following history of the U.S is cobbled from authentic, certified, and genuine fluffs and flubs, goofs and gaffes, and boo-boos and bloopers....

Christopher Columbus discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic Ocean. Little did he know that he had just begun history! His ships were named the Nina, the Pinta Colada, and the Santa Fe. Columbus knelt, thanked God, and put the American flag in the ground. Tarzan is a short name for the American flag. Its full name is the Tarzans and Stripes.

The Pilgrims also crossed the ocean, and this was called the Pill's Grim Progress. These people always wore old shoes with a big buckle on the top of them. The men wore pants that only came a little ways past their knees and the girls wore funny bonnets. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born.

Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. The Pilgrims appointed Thanksgiving, and it soon became a national holiday all over the world.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. The Boston Tea Party wasn't what we would think of if we thought of a tea party. It was a raid where they threw all the tea into Boston Harbor, which they all drank. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Paul Revere's Ride wasn't as famous as some people make it, he had to have the help of Longfellow on it. Mr. Revere started his famous ride in Lexington, which is in Philadelphia, and paddled by canew to Boston. Then he rode through the streets yelling, "Too warm! Too warm! The Red Colts are coming!" During the Revolu-tionary War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking, and peacocks crowing.

Finally, General Corn Wallace surrendered and the War was over. The colonists won and no longer had to pay for taxis.

America was founded by four fathers. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Decoration of Independence, which says that all men are cremated equal and are well endowed by their creator. John Hancott signed first because he was president and a very heavy man. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand!" Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington led the U.S. to what it is today. Washington married Martha Custis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father, but a president isn't. Washington was a very social man. He had big balls, and everyone enjoyed them. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people have the right to bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his very own hands. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Lincoln was president during the Civil War. Matthew Brady, a filmer, took a picture of it. The Civil War was started by Harriet Bitcher Stowe, who wrote "Uncle Tom's Cabinet", causing the southern states to succeed. After the Civil War, Gen. Lou Wallace wrote "Gone With the Wind" and "Bend Her."

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emaciation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. At first, the president's wife didn't take notice of him slumped over in her lap. She thought he had just snoozed off as usual. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

In the early nineteenth century, Lois and Clark explored the Louisiana Purchase. They became well known all over the world and in foreign countries.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy, Eli Whitney invented the spinning gin, Thomas Edison invented the pornograph, Macaroni invented the wireless telephone and Andrew Carnegie started the steal business. WWI was caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist. During the early part of WWI President Woodrow Wilson urged the people to stay in neutral. He brought up the league of Nations, but it never did much except write a lot of letters, declare war on people, and try to beat peace into them. Then Wilson had many foreign affairs, and America entered the War. WWI made the people so sad that it brought on the Great Depression. Then the New Deal tried to make sure that the stock market will never happen again. Charles Limburger was the first man to ever cross the Atlantic alone. He wanted to go by regular airlines, but he couldn't afford to buy a ticket. When he got to Paris, all the French people shouted ŒBonzai!' Finally, WWII ended on VD Day. Martin Luther had a dream. He went to Washington and recited his Sermon on the Monument. Later, he nailed 96 Protestants in the Watergate Scandal, which ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.