Last Laugh: When Metaphors Collide

The Communist menace is a snake in the grass that is gnawing away at the foundation of our ship of state" is a classic mixed metaphor from a University of Chicago student’s essay.

"You’re biting the hand of the goose that laid the golden egg," Hollywood mogul Sam Goldwyn once Goldwynized.
Chicago mayor Harold Washington carved out a niche of his won in the Mixed metaphor Hall of Shame when he explained to the local press the objective of his planned news conferences: "It has been our purpose all along to have a sort of periodical potpourri to cover all of this flotsam and jetsam that flies through the media that can get nailed down on a regular, periodic track. So, in a sense, that can be interpreted as open sesame, but don’t throw darts".

I’ve never met a metaphor that I didn’t like, and I’ve never met a mixed metaphor that I didn’t collect. I now grab the bull by the tail and present the cream of the dregs of figures of speech that just don’t add up:

• l Hillary Clinton’s ratings are dropping through the roof
  
• Senator Dole is off on the wrong foot in a head-to-head comparison with President Clinton
• Detroit Pistons star Grant Hill praised his new coach, Doug Collins, for his drive: "It’s a fire that starts at the top and trickles it’s way back down."
• The inimitable Robert J. Lurtsema, a music host on Boston public radio, introduced a collection of a new phonograph records just received, by saying, " We’ve just barely begun to scratch the surface of this new set of records."
• Answering a reporter’s question, an interviewee opined that not paying federal workers for time missed in a governmental shut
  down was "the only way to get President Clinton to hold his seat to the fire."
• What with all this new technology, Newtown is standing on the verge of a minefield of opportunity.
• Let’s jump right in an get our teeth wet
  
• That water’s under the dam
• Let’s not stir up sleeping dogs.
  
• We’ve just scratched the tip of the iceberg
  
• Let’s be sure that the contract covers all the asses
  
• My new Saab is unbelievable. It’s the Cadillac of cars
  
• For too long the Prime Minister has been sitting on the fence with both ears to the ground as part of his play-safe political style.
• The light at the end of the tunnel is just the tip of the iceberg
  
• This is the story of a boy who wore his buck teeth like a chip on his shoulder
• I’ve got an ace up my hole
• He was bleeding like a stuffed pig
  
• That was the last straw on the camel’s back
  
• I’m drinking enough soup to float a battle-ax
  
• You can’t change the spots on an old dog
  
• She put her head between her tail and apologized
  
• We had some disagreements early in her career but she’s turned her attitude around 360 degrees since then
  
• Raines spearheads Whales Alive, one of several non-profit organizations dedicated to saving the world’s whale population
• There’s so much going on at work, I can barely keep my feet above water
• It’s was like pulling hen’s teeth
• You’re dead meat in the water
  
• Separate the wheat from the shaft
  
• The pianist has the fast fingers ever to set foot on stage
  
• The underground parking garage will never see the light of day
  
• The worm is on the other foot
  
• It’s time to fish or get off the pot
  
• John Brown fired the shot that set the ball rolling right to the gates of the Civil War
  
• I wouldn’t eat it with a 10-foot pole
  
• If the hand was on the other foot
  
• Bob Dole praised President Clinton for fielding a flood of questions about Whitewater
  
• This is a clear case of the cart wagging the donkey
  
• What can I do, I’m only a big wheel in a small pond
  
• In our family we bend over backwards to be upright and honest
  
• The future is an uncharted sea full of potholes
  
• The driving school was barely keeping it’s head above water
  
• We’re back to square zero
  
• She was born with a silver slipper in her mouth
  
• You’ve got to put your foot down with a firm hand
  
• You’ve hit the iceberg on the head
  
• And from The Acting President, by Bob Schieffer and Gary Paul Gates: "He could not shake the feeling that he and all the others who had been involved in those projects were sitting on a bomb, that sooner or later, would explode in their faces."