Disorder in the Court

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of court reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Court is now in session, and here are my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word.

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What is his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you don't know his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name.....

Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas.
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above.....

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in lumbar region......

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?....

Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status.
A: Fair....

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I didn't know about....

Q: And who is the person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it....

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney and said he was really good....

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months of November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: What were you and your husband doing at the time?....

Q: Mrs. Smith you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide.
A: Four times.....

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.....

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before he died?....

Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentative and couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I'll have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance here this morning, pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress for work.....

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it....

Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could....

Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
A: On the seat.
Q: I mean on the street....

And before we recess, let's listen in on one last exchange involving a child:
Q: Gary, all your responses must be oral, OK.
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.

Note: Most of the transquips in this article are copyrighted by the National Shorthand Reporters Association, and are reprinted with their permission.