Laffing at Mispellings

The English language is the most widely spoken in the history of our planet. The English language boasts the largest of all vocabularies and one of the most impressive bodies of literature.

But let's face it. The English language is a killer to spell correctly. In The Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce defines orthography as "the science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every asylum for the insane."

J. Donald Adams adds: "It is wildly erratic and almost wholly without logic. One needs the eye of a hawk, the ear of a dog, and the memory of an elephant to make headway against confusions and inconsistencies." Mario Pei sums up the chaos this way: "English spelling is the world's most awesome mess."

No wonder, then, that many students have succumbed to the pitfalls of English spelling by executing spectacular pratfalls in their essays and test papers.

Decades ago, Carl Cochran, retired Professor of English at Colby Sawyer College in New Hampshire, taught at Shady Side Academy in Pittsburgh. He received a composition in which one of his students described his summer adventures in Venezuela, where he had worked for Gulf Oil Company. One error kept appearing throughout the paper. The student consistently misspelled the word burro as burrow .

At the end of the essay, Professor Cochran wrote: "My dear sir: It is apparent to me from your spelling that you do not know your ass from a hole in the ground."

Other classic student spellos include:

• To celebrate at feasts, the inhabitants of old England sometimes cut the head off the biggest bore and carried it around on a platter.
• Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river.
• Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
• They gave William IV a lovely funeral. It took six men to carry the beer.
• On Thanksgiving morning we could smell the foul cooking.
• My uncle suffers from sick as hell anemia.
• I am in the mists of choosing colleges.
• Women tend to get jumpy during their minstrel periods.
• The doctor told me to take it easy until the stitches were out and that there would be a permanent scare.
• In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal.
• Every morning my father takes exercises to strengthen his abominable muscles.
• Many people believe he was a Satin worshipper.
• During peek season the beach is covered with hundreds of bikini-clad beauties.
• The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
• They were sweathearts through high school.
• Vestal virgins were pure and chased.
• I worry about testes all week.
• Dickens spent his youth in prison because his father's celery was cut off.
• Poe was kicked out of West Point for gamboling.
• The Scarlett Letter griped me intensely.
• This books belongs in the anals of English literature.

The vagaries of English spelling continue to plague Americans long after they leave school. Signs of miraculous orthography appear everywhere:

• Drop your ballet in the ballet box.
• Please leave your umbrella and goulashes here.
• No bear feet allowed.
• Due to repairs to the air-conditioning system, offices will be very humid for the next three days. Please bare with us.
• Our sauce compliments our salad.
• Full coarse meals.
• Carats, two for 39 cents.

And spelling demons continue to depress the nation's presses:

• Governor Sununu gave the president a sweater crotched by
• Ellen Garrison.
• Grace Varney's voice broke with emotion as she clutched her toe-headed daughter as her son clung to her side.

The spelling demons love to come and live in headlines:

• MAN ARRESTED FOR POSSESSION OF HEROINE.
• PANEL AGREE TO MUCH SEX ON TELEVISION.
• REAGAN GOES FOR JUGGLER IN MIDWEST.
• COAST GUARD RESCUES TWO VESSELS AS STORM POMMELS GEORGIA COAST.

And finally this advertisement:

• Editors and Proff Readers - Must be good in spelling and gram- mar.