Last Writes

On Mother’s Day, monster moms share their wisdom with Richard Lederer

Mothers are so proud of their children, even when they’re the mothers of monsters. One monster mother said to another one, “You have the ugliest baby I have ever seen!” The second monster mother replied, “Thank you very much!”
For Mother’s Day, I share with you the motherly advice that monster moms pass on to their monster kids:

Cyclops moms:
* “Don’t ever read in dim light. It will strain your eye.”
* “Always carry your Visene with you. Otherwise, you’ll be a total eyesore.”
* “Don’t pretend to be a pirate. When you put the eye patch on, you won’t be able to see anything.”
* “NEVER play with a unicorn. That’s just an accident waiting to happen!”

Ghost moms:
* “Don’t spook until you’re spooken to.”
* “Children should be heard but not seen.”
* “Boo unto others as you would have them boo unto you.”
* “Before going out, be sure to put your boos and shocks on.”
* “Eat your food without goblin it.”
* “Don’t play with mummies. They’ll tear up your sheet and use it for clothing!”
* “If you don’t obey me, you’ll have to ghost stand in the corner — in the living room!”

Ghoul moms:
* “Don’t be late for dinner, or everyone will already be eaten.”
* “Never eat people on an empty stomach. Always eat people on a plate.”
* “Never eat people with your fingers. Your fingers should be eaten separately.”
* “Whenever you want to have friends over for dinner, we’ll be delighted to serve them.”
* “Remember: A ghoul and his mummy are soon parted, and demons are a ghoul’s best friend!”
* “If you disobey me, it will be over my dead body! I’ll ground you — very deeply! And if that doesn’t work, I’ll send you to deform school!”

Vampire moms:
* “Always be scareful. Before flew season, make sure you get a blood shot.”
* “Whatever else you do, NEVER run with a wooden stake in your hands.”
* “Drink your soup before it clots.”
* “Always bite the hand that feeds you.”
* “When somebody gives you a compliment, always say, ‘Fang you!’”
* “Stop opening the cans of tomato juice with your fangs and sucking all the jelly donuts dry.”
* “Study hard for your blood tests at night school, or you’ll never graduate Phi Bat-a Cape-a.”
* “Don’t cry over spilled blood.”
* “Don’t act like a spoiled bat and drive me batty! You’ll be the death of me!”

Werewolf moms:
* “Always be polite. When you meet a human being, say, ‘Pleased to eat you.’”
* “Don’t speak with your mouth full of people.”
* “Don’t wolf your meals. Play with your food before you eat it.”
* “Be sure to eat a lot of sheep. That way, you can floss and dine at the same time.”
* “Don’t go to the zoo when there’s a full moon. They might not let you out.”
* “When you go to bed, be sure that the jackal-lantern night-light stays on.”
* “Don’t use the toilet as a punch bowl.”

Witch moms:
* “Study hard for your hexaminations, especially in spelling.”
* “Please don’t ask for the keys to the broom more than once a week.”
* “Don’t be a road hag. If you make the broom go too fast, you’ll fly off the handle!”

Richard Lederer, MAT English and education, PhD linguistics, is the author of more than 50 books on language, history, and humor. This excerpt is from his newest children’s book, Monsters Unchained!, now at his website —