Last Writes

Richard Lederer wants to know how many ways you can say ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’

The tradition of sending Valentine’s cards did not become widespread in the U.S. until the 1850s, when Esther A. Howland began mass producing them. Since then, millions of Valentine’s Day greetings cards have been exchanged, electronically and otherwise. Here’s how various people, monsters, and animals wish their lovers a happy Valentine’s Day:
* a caveman: “Come to my man cave, where I can give you some uggs and kisses!”
* a French chef: “Here’s a hug and a quiche!”
* a painter: “My art paints for you!”
* a munchkin: “Be my valentiny!”
* a confectioner: “I’m sweet on you!”
* a pickle salesman: “You’re always sweet and never sour! You mean a great dill to me!”
* an electrician: “I love you a whole watt! You’re so bright! You really socket to me and turn me on!”
* a magnet manufacturer: “I find you very attractive!”
* a postal worker: “You have my stamp of approval! Your love envelopes me!”

Even monsters profess their love to each other on Valentine’s Day:
* a skeleton: “I love every bone in your body, and I adore a body mass index of zero!”
* a ghost: “You’re so boo-tiful. Let’s go out and dance sheet to sheet!”

* a ghoul: “Please be my ghoulfriend, because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!”
* a witch: “I want to sweep you off your feet and become your broommate!”
* a dragon: “Baby, won’t you light my fire? You’re such a hottie!”
* Dracula: “I want to be your neck romancer! I really like your blood type! It was love at first bite!”
* Frankenstein: “Frank-ly, I do give a damn. You’ve stolen my heart! I’m Igor to go out with you! Please be my valenstein!”
* The Hulk: “I’ve got a crush on you! If you will be my main squeeze, all the other girls will be green with envy because I’m such a lady-killer! When you get to know me, you’ll find I’m really the Jolly Green Giant!”
* King Kong (to Queen Kong): “I go bananas over you! You’re the gorilla my dreams! Please be my gorillafriend!”
* Queen Kong (to King Kong): “I love you, you big ape! You’re tall, dark, and hairy, and you have the girls in the palm of your hand!”
* The Mummy: “Tomb It May Concern: Hello, gore juice! I’m all wrapped up in you and want to tie the knot with you! I’m such a lucky stiff! It was love at first fright!”
* Cyclops: “Thanks for catching my eye! I see everything eye to eye with you! You’re the only ONE EYE love!”

And here’s what animals say to each other on Valentine’s Day:
* a dog: “Yappy Valentine’s Day! I love you drool-ly!”
* a cat: “You’re a purrr-fect mate for me!”
* a pig: “Happy Valenswine’s Day. I give you pig hogs and kisses, my pen pal!”
* a skunk: “I’m very scent-imental about you!”
* a bat: “You’re so much fun to hang down with that I’m heels-over-head in love with you!”
* a sheep: “You are my embraceable ewe! You are my shear delight in a wild and woolly way!”
* an elephant: “I love you a ton!”
* a firefly: “It was love at first light. I really glow for you!”
* a pigeon: “I dove coo, tweetheart!”
* a squirrel: “I’m bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and nuts about you!”
* a snake: “Give me a little bug and a hiss!”
* an octopus: “I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!”
* a centipede: “I love you so much that I’d wait on you hand and foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot… !”

Richard Lederer, MAT English and education, PhD linguistics, is the author of more than 40 books on language, history, and humor. This excerpt is from his latest book, Amazing Words, a career-capping anthology of bedazzling, beguiling, and bewitching words, available now at his website —